WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
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I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
mariah carrie
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Can’t stop laughing
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.