People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
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Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
o shit
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it