flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
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Some people were born into their job.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
There’s always that one guy
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.