“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
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[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
i want to work in this restaurant
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.