I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
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When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.