My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
You Might Also Like
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Message from the dog groomers
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁