When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
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CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Well, shit