Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
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Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
me irl
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.