she would like to bark at the manager, please.
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is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”