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Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge