They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
shut up and take my money
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.