8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
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Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.