It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
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Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
it must be school picture day
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
*exercises sarcastically*
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…