Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
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All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread