I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Oh my god
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Dead sexy!!
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
being a writer on Twitter:
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit