My love language is hissing.
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Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
A sick whale is called an unwhale
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island