Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Yup….perfect score!
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened