Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home