If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
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something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.