Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I never needed anything more in my life
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
sistine chapel
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management