If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
People who hate candy corn love telling you.