We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
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how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
going to the ER y’all need anything
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.