Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
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Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Harsh but fair
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!