[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
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Passed by a old school Math example today.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
This fish is cracking me up
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.