Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
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They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.