Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
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I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
one last job
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”