mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.