I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
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Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.