what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
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When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
“and how does that make you feel?”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*