Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
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Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Hero horse inspires millions
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe