Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
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Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.