Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
You sure about that?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught