The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Alexa, make me look good naked.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
This made me chuckle.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.