Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
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If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
it’s either covid or clever vampires
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly