my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.