“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
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Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.