Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
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Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.