The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Bruh PLEASE
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”