Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
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I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Worth remembering.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
The news in a nutshell.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
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“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White