My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
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When your parents check you’re ok.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.