The days of good grammer has went
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After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.