{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Nice try Hitler
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.