Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
You Might Also Like
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
No. YOU-buprofen.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”