Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Not today.. 😂
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”