Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
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My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.