Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
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The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.