detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
My beach vacation Google searches
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.