I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
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Hard not to take this personally
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
when dads have a rap battle
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Thursday
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no