Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
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*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Born to be mild.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”