If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
do horses think humans are hats
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.